Monday, April 14, 2014

A Meditation

S N Smith -- April 14, 2014

Try not to intellectualize when it comes to your personal condition. There is a time and place for intellectualization, but not in this matter, for in many respects it is not amendable to reason. I am a child of the enlightenment in which I have been taught that through reason I can solve every problem. But that is not always the case.

Be aware of your thoughts, feelings, internal conversations, surroundings, reactions to people, things, events. Why are you angry? Why are you jealous? Why are you hurt? Feeling left out? 

Yes, you have made errors. You -- I -- am human. Write in the first person, break down the emotional and intellectual barriers. It's me speaking here. 

Be thankful -- allow positive energy to flow through you --express gratitude. Don't look at what you don't have or may have missed -- it's fruitless -- it leads to further suffering. 

Constant complaining generates inner tension. Be thankful. See the good in things, see the good in people. Don't jump to conclusions. Breathe, think, take a moment before reacting. Feel the little hurts and disappointments -- moment by moment. How am I right now? How about now? And now? There is no past -- I cannot relive it. There is no future -- there is just now, and here I sit, as I always have, in the now. I have never done anything outside of the now. How do I feel now? 

I disappointed myself. I thought I was better than that! So, I find out, I am not better than that after all. I am not better than anybody.  I set myself up to unrealistic expectations -- everyone falls. But what happens when I fall? What do I do? I get back up again! I fall, I get back up. I bleed, I heal. I cry, I wipe away my tears. I laugh, then the laughter fades and I go back into that dark place. Please, I don't want to go back to that place where there is no light. 

But through it all God is near, closer to me than my jugular vein. It hurts, my body hurts, I cry out in pain. Drip, drip, drip, it  never ends. The rock becomes powder. Solidity becomes fluidity. I falter in my resolve. I waver between fear and hope. The uncertainty frightens me. 

Give me guidance, oh God. Show me what I must do -- make my path easy. Open my heart to glean wisdom, understanding and a sense of direction from your holy book. I am lost, utterly lost, without you. From you alone do I seek guidance, from you alone do I ask for help. Lead me to those still waters. Anoint my head with oil until my cup runs over. Allow goodness and mercy to follow me all the days of my life, and may I eternally dwell in your house. 

I am suffering, relieve me of my suffering. I lift my voice to you, oh you All-Hearing one -- all others are deaf -- and I trust you and no one else. They all lie. They all forsake me. They all turn their backs on me and I am left alone. 

The kabr, the KABR, it's calling me. I hear it's voice, "come to me, let me embrace you and separate you from the troubles of this world," I hear it say. I am coming, I am coming -- labaik- labaik. Oh God, make it wide and a place of comfort. I hear you, oh grave, but I know that even there God will be with me, for He will never leave or forsake me. God never lets me down.

Oh death, where is your sting? Oh grave, where is your victory? Victory comes from God -- I reach out and claim it, it's mine for the taking. 

S N Smith writes from Ottawa, ON.